How to pretend you know what you're talking about when you're looking at art

Once I went on a date to see the Degas exhibit at the NGV. I really liked the guy I was dating and I thought he was super emotionally mature to suggest a trip to a gallery for our third date. A hottie who loved art? Sign me the fuck up.

At some point during our first conversations, he told me how much he loved impressionist art.

'Oh, me too' I exaggerated.

'Who's your favourite artist?' he asked.

Now, I'm not a complete novice when it comes to impressionist art, but at the time a solid 80% of my knowledge came from that episode of Gilmore Girls when Lorelai was cast as the Renoir girl.

'Well I like all impressionist works, but I love Renoir'

Before you know it I found myself in the NGV, with this near-stranger, trying to offer some impressive commentary beyond 'I like the colours'. At that moment I realised two things: firstly, that everyone should have a go-to set of phrases to pull out in case they ever needed to sound clever around works of art, and secondly, that those go-to phrases could be literal gibberish because the more obscure your commentary sounds, the more legit of a critique it seems to be. Thank goodness that art is subjective. Whip out these phrases during your next gallery date (unless your date is an art historian, but who among us could be so lucky)...

The composition is so arresting

You can literally say this about a blank canvas. In fact, the less arresting the composition seems to be, the more your insight will seem original and deep.

I love the postmodern commentary

Looking at a Baroque work? Talk about postmodernism. Looking at an Ancient Greek vase? Talk about postmodernism. Looking at a performance piece? Talk about postmodernism. Why? Because everything and nothing is a commentary on the postmodern condition. You get bonus points if you say those exact words and then just walk away.

The colour palette is so nuanced

This makes you sound like you know something about the colour wheel AND you know something about the colour palettes in other paintings. You're gonna sound like you know all the art things, you little art genius you.

So, spoiler, I didn't actually use any of my sweet fake artiste critiques because my date just kind of stayed one painting behind me the whole time and I essentially walked around the gallery by myself until we got to the gift shop. It was not a love connection.

xx